If im already in hell does it matter if i kill myself?

im hitting a new low every day. I have so much to be thankful for, yet I cannot get out of this downward spiral. I havent slept in two months, ive lost 30 pounds, disowned my family. I am scared. Ive tried meditation, praying, reading. Talking to a therapist makes it worse. i feel like i have nothing left. Those suicide hotlines suck, as they dont really care about me. Does anyone really care about me. Suicide is selfish... why? because it will upset other people? well what about me? I cant go much longer.. every single day im struggling. its getting harder and harder... I cry at work, while at home. I have nobody and im lonely and miserable.